Pearls From My Lips

Entire Contents are (c) copyright 1913-2011
Do not copy, edit, paraphrase, download, haul off, or duplicate in any way
unless your two lawyers cost more to retain than my two lawyers.

Only one man in a hundred is a leader of men.
The other 999 are trying their best to
catch up with some woman.

Don't just keep the Faith

Share It.

The Hardest Part
of any Sale
Begins when the merchandise
is delivered.

The only thing worse than being criticised is finding out nobody cared how many mistakes you made.

In every marriage
there is a time to be BIG
and a time to BELITTLE.

Even when I joke
about money
I'm dead serious.

The trouble with this world
is there just aren't enough
purfect people
to go around.

C O M P R O M I S E
is where you agree to take
one step backward
and they agree
to take two steps forward.

People who won't work
when they are children
Grow Up To Be
Kids who won't work either.

The trouble with this world
is most people do
more good by accident
than they do on purpose.

It is IMPOSSIBLE
to argue with anyone
who isn't Neurotic
or wrong!

You can rip off
some of the people Most of the time.
But sooner or later
All of the People will insist on
letting someone else do it to them.
.

A Sample of Some Published,
Positive Scientific Expostulation

"If there had been a seismograph available,
and if it had been calibrated correctly
and if it had been perfectly balanced in the right spot,
and if there had been any electricity to drive it,
and if the right paper and the right ink had been invented previously,
then that earthquake might have registered
somewhere between 7.1 and 8.0 on the Richter Scale."

What really bothers me most about that documented passage of technical scripture is that it was produced for educating the best, cutting-edge scientific minds of the century, and they applauded the author's performance with genuine enthusiasm.

***

William Wordsworth encouraged us to:  "Come forth into the light of things; let nature be your teacher."
Do you live in the city, far from the gleaming woods that can teach you so much?  Find the park nearest you.  Pack a lunch and go spend the whole day communing with nature.  Be sure to bring a blanket and plenty of reading material to bury your nose in.

***

Sign in the window.  This store is so broke we hardly ever have more than $50 left in the store after the sun sets.  ... Then right beside it is another sign saying:  Now looking for full and part time help: All applicants must be able to pass the expert markmanship test and be able to demonstrate a reasonably fast draw.

/*\

Listen boss.  I've been working all week on the last 10 minute job you gave me.  From now on I won't accept any work assignment less than 15 minutes long.

***

After watching two burly truck drivers ahead of them flirt with the curly-headed waitress the nerd turned to his wife and muttered:  "The only thing men like that are good for is shoving real men away from the candy counter."

A wise man
Never Tries to Pretend
He is any smarter
Than I think he is. 

When I was acting as bodyguard one time the guy I was with left me in the pickup to guard the money we still had, the gold in the jewel case, and the merchandise in the back we'd already bought from other stops.

We must have had over $20,000 all told and were in a neighborhood where petty theft, burglary and robbery were the predominant means of support.  As more and more eyes slid my way to evaluate my cargo I decided that I'd better devote my attention to looking bad.

It wasn't that hard.  After all,  I am 6'2" and I weighed 240.  I won my first knife fight at age 11 and had been shot at a few times before then.  Mickey Spillane came on strong.  I scowled at everyone.  I was bad.  "Don't even think about coming over this way."  Mickey never could have done it so good.

Then this tall dude approached us from down the street.  His angry eye studied every man in sight.  Then he ignored everybody there and headed right for me.  I scowled fiercely.  He noted it, and kept right on coming.  Anger burned its way right up to the top of my eyebrows.  I was ready to blister every hair off his head.

He stopped beside my door, staring right at me.  I cranked the window down about four inches, just low enough to let him know I wasn't afraid of him, and still high enough   to get the message across I didn't want any trouble either.

"I'm hungry," he said.  "Can you spare a dollar or two for me to get something to eat?"

I studied him for a moment and having been homeless myself for eight long years, I realized he really was hungry.  I reached into my own pocket to bring out 3 one dollar bills.  "Thanks," I said as I handed them to him.

"You're welcome,"  He nodded, and walked back the way he'd come from, right past the big liquor store and into the big bakery that specialized in day old bread.

People were watching me.  I tried to scowl to show how bad I was.  But it didn't work; out of everybody on the street that man had unerringly picked me out as the nicest guy there.

Click here for a Cozy Read.

The answer to all my short prayers
seems to be a long list of things to do for someone else!

I will always have the courage to check my convictions,
and if I don't have any,
to believe the subject isn't that important.

Once you get used to a certain level of pain
anything less is pleasure.

The wish to be somebody is more persistent than the burning need to become somebody.

Get on your knees to ask the Lord for Guidance,
Then work like the devil was right on your heels.

You can take my advice with complete confidence because my only desire is to straighten you out. If you really have to ask, you really don't want to know. Buddy, that's a hot potato, no matter how you mash it.

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***

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***

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