Please slow down as you read these little one liners
because there is a law in Massachusetts against giggling too fast.

One Liners

The Most Popular Brand
of Humor In America


Remember,
Opportunity only knocks once.
~ Lin Stone

copyright 1997 - 2013
Assembled and Combined by Lin Stone

There are many explanations for this, but there are no cures.  This proves that none of the explanations are 100% correct yet.

If I had not found my wife's stash of liquid candy I couldn't survive for long on this liquid diet.

Nostalgia isn't half as cheap as I remember it used to be.

Lydia, Why are you standing out there in the rain? Why don't you get in the car? "Oh Joe, I'm just waiting for a gentleman to come by and open the door for me."

And a Dream full of Doughnuts for Dolly, the Dishwasher

Remember, all of us are strangers somewhere.

Outer space is pretty much a waste of place.

If we could stay warm in outer space we could stay even warmer at the North Pole on a nickel of the same size.

Mars is prettier than the moon, but all the canali on Mars won t be half as pretty as the Grand Canyon already is.

Repairing the earth is far cheaper and easier than attempting space travel.

Besides, if we could live in the emptiness of a space capsule we d be just as happy in a Sahara mud hut.

Space is missing two of man's fundamentally necessary substances, oxygen and carbon dioxide.

I bid you to look on the bright side of staying on earth; we may have a few goof balls in our midst but we are sons and daughters of God and our potential is high enough to fill this earth up with millions of golf balls and still slice off to the stars when it is time to go.

Space is empty. The only thing in it worth having is a vacuum . If we were still using vacuum tubes in our movie projectors, perhaps we could spin off some terrific movies up there.

Thinking we can get something for nothing is what got us into this mess.

Beat a dead horse long enough and you won't have to bury it.

It is impossible to argue with anyone that isn't neurotic, or wrong.  (If they weren't neurotic would they be arguing?  If they weren't wrong, would I be arguing?  Makes sense to me.)

Have you ever noticed that short people give you short answers?

Smart people never pretend to be any smarter than I think they are.

Don't stop me yet;
I have not yet begun to tell you what I think.

If one door closes and another door opens -- your house is probably haunted. Cynthia Roberts, author of The Power

We have an Open Range diet at home. The first one home cooks the next piece of the old cow.

  Bronze, or Bust! 

Buddy, if you mess with me I will impair your lateral longevity.

Go The Extra Mild ~ LinStone

Don't punish your legs for something your mouth did. ~ Gwen Owen

**

In a recent scientific experiment it was proven that isotope X is beneficial to people with the right attitude.
"1/3 of the mice produced positive manifestations.
A second third of the mice produced negative results.
The third mouse escaped.
'I'm almost positive it could not have escaped while carrying a negative attitude.'"
However the group of scientists are applying for a second grant to verify their p-factor is substantiated.

***

Humor is Funny Medicine

But, when IS medicine funny?

Humor needs two parts to make it funny; the setup, and the trigger.  The setup starts by leading the patient up to the point where the logical answer to a logical question is obviously absurd.  Suddenly the patient realizes the automatic needle looks bigger than he is; and the trigger must come a split second later when the patient realizes the automatic needle is actually an automatic nail gun.  If the patient can see the trigger suddenly jam in the ON position, it nails the joke down tight.

Dog, you come back here or --
Or, you'll be eating dog food for the rest of your life!

More Americans than ever before don't know how to reid, rite, or spel.  That's why you now see so many improperly clad sentences dancing in your books and magazines.
Depending on how much the proofreader gets paid you might see sentences reiding  "Lightening struck the house," or the old, old example, "I found a pennie walking beside the rode." 
Oh, Sure, more than half the Americans you talk to wood understand what you mean to say -- but don't you think they would understand you even better if you sed what you mint?

*

3 years ago I felt good enough to go hunting bears on a pogo stick, but I had to give it up because I haven't seen a bear bouncing down the road since then.

*

Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

*

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people., Arthur Schopenhauer, German philosopher

*

Now, Slick Wilson, there was a real man.  Some folk said he marched to a different drummer; but that isn't true!  Slick wore a skirt to Church and he danced barefooted in the aisle to a trumpet performing the GLORY, GLORY HALLELUJAH HYMN.

*

WOK'S happening?

***

Mother, please, STOP.  If you give me any more to do today my mind will slip into the spin cycle.

The Evening News

The grand daughter was on her way to Kansas when her radio warned her about a dangerous tornado heading for the area.  The hotels were all full,  The roads out of town were solid parking lots.  She decided to go visit her grand parents to see how they were doing.  She finally made it through the debris and walked in.  Grandpa was reading the Church magazine.  Grandma was watching the local weather channel and working on her FaceBook page.  Nancy said, "Grandma, there's a tornado on all four sides of you."

"Don't worry about it," she said, "The electricity is still on and we can't evacuate no way."

Nancy sat down and watched the weather channel for four solid hours.  Tornadoes came this way, tornadoes went that way.  Finally there was only one tornado left and it was heading away from them.

A furious knock came at the door.  Nancy rushed to open it and found herself staring at a rookie policeman.  He said, I've got good news and I've got bad news.

"What's the good news?" asked Grandma.

"The good news is you can evacuate now, if you want to."

"What's the bad news?" asked Nancy.

The bad news is the storms are all gone and FEMA may be here with fresh water any day now."

"Now you can start worrying," Grandpa solemnly declared.

 
It Was Kid's Play

 

Here is the problem.. Every time you vote to steal money from a rich man's pocket, you are voting to make a bigger hole in your own pocket.

Friend, you can trust anything I say because my only desire in life is to straighten you out.

**

90% of the people on earth believe they are going to heaven.  92% of the people on earth don't believe their friends are going to make it.  ~ Lin Stone

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police can find a place on their desks to lay their doughnuts down to take a message.

In our new home we will have a swimming pool open 24/7. "Yippee!" I said. "More exercise, better heart, great figure."  And the landlord says.. "Have you talked to Flipper about this theory?"

Jerry Paul told his teacher that angels didn't have haloes any longer. Mikey confirmed this was true.  Johnny said, "Nobody knows why, but President Obama is investigating.

In outer space, home delivery pizza will cost over a thousand dollars a pop; the pizza is extra and tips are expected.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver., Jay Leno, US comedian & television host

SHARE THE ROAD; Stay on your side most of the time.

Just remember this...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the light., Rita Rudner, US comedian

The only really happy folk on earth are married women and single men. ~ Henry Louis Mencken -- Boy, don't you wish you'd went to his party when he found that out?

**

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But remember, it is still on the list.

Some people hear little voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have absolutely no imagination whatsoever.

Retirement is that wonderful time of life when all you gotta do is lie around and lose weight.

*

I've been working myself to death ever since I hired on to defuse activity in the offices of the inept and unwilling.

*

I shore wish I was as smart as Hillary so I could get swamped with blazing dividends twice a week.  She invests in that obscure company called THE BROKEN BRIDGE ON THE ROAD TO BEN GHAZI.

*

You can't write a book without learning more about life.

**.

Me and my dog RUFF are crime deterrence partners.  He holds them down while I shoot them up!

***

 I've been studying why everything we learned in 1940 is now totally wrong or more than slightly debunked. There is even a science now that predicts when everything we know now will be wrong or discarded. At the same time I was wading through a philosophical discussion of why the world exists. Like the raven I can declare, nevermore.
"Anything that proves nothing - is irreducible and inexcusable."

**

We accept all the love we think we deserve.

**

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.',  ~ 'Jane Wagner'

NO Sir, Johnnie We do NOT think alike.  If I ever agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Sign behind the customer service desk: I'm sorry my wife couldn't be with you today, she was up all night with a sick book.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be more entertaining.

At first I thought I wanted a career, Later I realized that I was not THAT ambitious ----- all I wanted was paychecks.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect to get it back anyway.

Gun control is stupid. What we need is idiot control.

A house is not a home until a dog moves in.

When in doubt, vote Republican.

**

**

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Alice, Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Call me stubborn if you want to but it took me 71 years to become this perfect and I'm not going to change directions now.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do., Jerome K. Jerome, British humor writer

If winning isn't everything why does the IRS make us keep score?

Citizens struggling with their income tax forms are always looking for a line they can cut.

The IRS has invented  a special line in their tax manual for every crooked tax lawyer in the state of Texas.  It was the easy way to help the family grab a piece of the action.

*

Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars. ~ Les Brown

It shouldn't take more than 20 teachers to put one astronaut on the moon; How smart does a guy have to be to take a job left vacant by a chimpanzee retiring?

Now Joe, When you pick up the menu, remember you came in here for a book on how to lose weight.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping., Rita Rudner, US comedian

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on., Oscar Levant

Until you value yourself your life is a blank check filled with friends that have a charming way with numbers.

I have made the tough decisions, always with an eye toward the bottom line. ~ Donald Trump

One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don't go into government. ~ Donald Trump

The best way to get a promotion is to think like the boss.

The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer., From the 1985 movie "Bliss"

-- or tooth decay.

A bargain is something you don't need, set at a price you can't resist.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police., Jeff Marder

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism., Norman Brenner

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure., John D. Rockefeller, US oil industrialist & philanthropist

Living in a vacuum sucks., Adrienne E. Gusoff, US teacher, one liner humorist and greeting card writer

There is now one more reason to get rich now.  If you don't make it by December 31st of this year the Government will be too broke to take care of you.  Lin Stone

Go ahead, make my day.', 'Dean Riesner

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us., Samuel Johnson, English author, one liner professional, critic, & lexicographer

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there., Herb Caen

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full., Henry Kissinger, US (German-born) diplomat & scholar

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away., Sir Thomas Beecham, English conductor

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead., Erma Bombeck, US author & humorist

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency., Raymond Chandler, US detective novelist & screenwriter

From the moment I picked your book up until the moment I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Tomorrow I intend to open it.', 'Groucho Marx', 'US comedian with Marx Brothers

The most efficient labor-saving device ever invented is still money.', 'Franklin P Jones

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any., Katharine Whitehorn

I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time., H. L. Mencken, US editor

Food is an important part of a balanced diet., Fran Lebowitz, US writer and humorist

I never worried whether the glass was half full or half empty; I always looked around to see if the pitcher was empty or full.

Nobody's humor satisfies me like my own.

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid., Art Spander

Of those who say nothing, few are silent., Thomas Neill

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity., Nick Diamos

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist., Indira Gandhi, quoted by Christian Science Monitor, May 17, 1982, Indian politician

An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations., Charles de Montesquieu, French lawyer & philosopher

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. Douglas Adams', 'English humorist & science fiction novelist

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.', 'Dame Rose Macaulay', 'English novelist

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.', 'Woody Allen', 'US movie actor, comedian, & director

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.', 'Woody Allen', 'US movie actor, comedian, & director

Our lives improve only when we take chances -- and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.', 'Walter Anderson'

There are no big problems today, just some little problems we waited on Congress to fix.

TWITTER is a great place to see what fools are writing.

One liners are famous in the United States. 
If you like one liners you'll love these two liners.

The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.', 'Edward Kennedy

Fleas can be taught nearly everything that a Congressman can. Mark Twain

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.', 'Simon Cameron', 'US financier & politician

**

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.', 'Katharine Whitehorn

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.', 'Leo Tolstoy', 'Russian mystic & novelist

We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.', 'Alfred Hitchcock', 'British movie director

Fred, much of the stress in this world comes from straining to pretend you have too much to do.

**

You cannot change the circumstances, the times or the seasons, or how many little birdies fly right into whirling wind machines.

***

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a thorough failure, Thomas A. Edison

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a man that stayed on the farm. ~ Will Rogers

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.', 'Charlie McCarthy

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.', 'Mark Russell', 'US comedian, political commentator, & satirist

If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have lost your marbles.  Thomas Szasz

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but they insist on keeping in touch.', 'Robert Orben

Modern healthcare Test
First the doctors wouldn't let me eat, drink or sleep for 18 hours.
Then they cured me of dehydration; and sent two statements, to make sure my lungs still worked.

A man who dares to waste one hour of life has not discovered the value of life. -Charles Darwin

A man who dares to waste one hour of life will never evolve to the next higher level.

***

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong., Bertrand Russell, British author, mathematician, & philosopher

If you love math, you're probably crazy.

If you don't love math then you probably don't understand the equation.

The best people you know have mastered the hardest lessons in math.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

***

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. -C. Archie Danielson

***

Without wings, the Dodo Bird existed 42 millions of years longer than the pyramids.

***

Most of the stress in this world comes from straining so hard to pretend you have too much to do.

***

Don't measure your success by how much you have in the bank; Just look over the fence and compare your house with his.

***

The best people you know have mastered the hardest lessons in life.

The church sign proclaimed, "FREE WEDDINGS!"  I object to so much hypocrisy from a minister.  You can't pick up a snake's tail without staring at his face, and you can't possibly have a wedding without signing your life away in one form or another, even if you examine your partner's teeth and thump 'em on the back a dozen times! Weddings are all about responsibility, for each other, the children you will have and the braces they will need.

Many a small thing has been made great by an act of Congress. When the income tax was first invented Congress only wanted a mere 1% of what we earned -- and that was only if we were rich. Now that Congress has had time to work on it, there are 14 volumes of tax code and it wants everything we made this year and last year too, unless we are rich.

Noodled English Sample

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While qualified are myriad options when choosing disability insurance seeing well, these are the immensely popular selections. corporeal is important to canvass gross available options when choosing a disability insurance policy to set out that you realize what you will receive in the case of an accident or illness. Research your options to treasure trove the best choice owing to you again your family.

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Again, substantial is capital to carefully admit each possibility before picking a single health insurance work. Your health is important-make cocksure heartfelt is sheltered in the paramount way attainable.

After watching two burly truck drivers ahead of them flirt with the curly-headed waitress the doctor turned to his wife and muttered:  "The only thing men built like that are good for is shoving real men away from the candy counter."

the end

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***

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***

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**

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