Oldies

 

copyright 2010
by Lin Stone

There's nothing quite as good as an old joke that never dies.  I pray you will enjoy the following:

***

He has pluck, he does.  If he was cast away on a desert island, he'd get up the next morning and start selling advertising maps to the coconuts.

***

After a severe cross-examination, the counsel for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:

"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a different story?"

"A different story from what I have just told, sir?"

"That is what I mean."

"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they couldn't make me do it."

"Now, sir, remembering that you are still under oath, please tell this court who those persons are."

"Waal," replied the witness after a significant pause, "I guess you've tried harder than any of them."

If there was a bucket within 10 feet of him, David Crockett was always sure to put his foot in it. During his first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild animals was brought to the city and exhibited.

Large crowds attended the exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening David was persuaded to attend.  "I had just got in the door," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. My acquaintance asked me if they were like the wild cats in the backwoods.  Well, I didn't know so I walked up closer to get a better look at them.  As I was looking, one wild cat turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some water on it but it didn't move an inch.

Said David, 'Stranger, you are wasting your time: Just one look from me kills them things deader than a door nail.' While we was still talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American lion, because he is some kin to me; but you turn out the African lion turn him out, I say.  Turn him out Why I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and ride your zebra at the same time, though he may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This reparte created some fun; and I drifted off to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a pony.

I was looking on, and some member of Congress said to me, 'Crockett, don't that monkey favor General Jackson?'

'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. Johnsen, of Ohio.' There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning round to meet the gaze of my audience, I saw Mr. Johnsen of Ohio standing there within three feet of me. I was in a right awkward fix and I begun to sweat; but bowed to the company around us, and told 'em, I had either just slandered the monkey, or I had slandered Mr. Johnsen, of Ohio, and if they would tell me which, I would beg his pardon on bended knees.

The thing passed off with some good-natured chuckling, but the very next morning, as I was walking out the door, another member of Congress came up to me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. Johnsen, of Ohio, is going to challenge you to a duel.'

I was in a right awkward fix and I begun to sweat.  Said I, 'Well, warn him I am a fighting fowl.'

That didn't do nothing for me so I swelled up some and said: I s'pose that if I am challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?'

'Oh yes,' said he.

'Then you tell him,' said I, 'that I will choose to fight him with bows and arrows.'

***

David Crockett's brand of humor was greatly appreciated by New England society.  Their own style was along the following lines:

When an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad of their own choice."

When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!"

Catch an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know I'll tell mamma!"

A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not accepted, however, until the gallant youth who offers it is accepted as the lord of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever. T

he common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with the following:

I'd freely give whole years of bliss,
To gather from thy lips one kiss.

To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately returned:

Young men present these to their favourite Miss,
And think by such means to entrap her;
But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss,
The right kind hain't got any wrapper.

If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather, and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving the quid pro quo in the shape of a blunder-buss.

Baltimore girls, more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling, half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless you be caught attempting to kiss another then look out for thundergust.

When a Broome girl gets a smack, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else but you, I'd make a fuss about it."

***

New Orleans once had a large hog living in the streets. His ears were so far back that he couldn't hear himself squeal.

***

Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to Mr. Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called upon me for your account?"

"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money."

"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?"

"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is not a gentleman, and then I ask him."

***

It is said that the people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody else left alive who can remember it for them.

***

Being asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot."

***

What is the difference between a big man and a little man? One is a tall fellow and the other man not at all.

***

Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?" Because he has been caught a "robbin."

***

In the State of Ohio, there resided the family with the name of Beaver.  There were three sons, all of whom were as hard on sin as the old man.  One of their happiest pursuits was to laugh to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious, minister who had tried in vain for many years to bring the family to Christ.

One day it happened that one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and he was expected to die.  Suddenly, the minister was sent for.

On his arrival, he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with before he passed beyond the vail. The minister looked around him and called on the whole Beaver family to kneel down in prayer with him.  When all was quiet the minister began: "O Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes.

"We thank thee for the rattlesnake that has done bit Jim.

"We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John; send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the biggest kind of a rattlesnake you can find to bite Old Man Beaver; because you know Lord that I have tried everything else in the world and it looks like nothing but rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance."

***

Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid."

***

Every few minutes Sheridan was annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out: "Hear! hear!"

During the afternoon debate Sheridan took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but only had sense enough to play the part of a fool. "Where," exclaimed Sheridan, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?"

"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned himself around and thanked him for promptly supplying the information.  He then sat down, amid a general roar of laughter.

***

A little boy was once asked why he was so short for his age? He glanced up at the inquisitor and replied, "Father keeps me so busy that I don't have time to grow."

***

Danny reported to his assembled friends that he knew a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every night before retiring, she would go close the window curtain, to prevent the "man in the moon" from looking in.

This was greeted in solemn silence until another boy wondered out loud if she was related to the young lady who would not allow the Christian Observer to remain in her bedroom over night.

the end

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