I have always been amused by instructions written by someone whose mother tongue has a syntax far different from English. What they mean to say brings forth confusion at best and outright hilarity upon occasion. Here is my first introduction.
FIX AND USAGE
(1) Put the mist maker on the base of the stand by the right direction.
Before you go laughing too hard, volunteer to write instruction manuals for products being exported to China..
I'm old, REAL old! I mean to tell you, 27 years passed away after I was born before I saw my first Hula Hoop. You don't get no older than that.
The best thing about the good old days was that we were young then, and if I remember right, I think maybe our memories worked better back then too.
A little Arkansaw boy was standing alongside a trail near Clinton when a revenue agent came by and hailed him. “You can earn ten dollars if you know where I can find a moonshiner.
“Make it twenty and it’s a done deal,” said the boy. “I know where two of them is.”
The revenue agent agreed to that and asked where they might be.
“Right up there on Cullum Mountain.”
“How do I get there?”
The boy pointed out the trail and the revenue agent started up it. “Wait a minute,” he called. “Where’s my money.”
“You’ll get it when I come back,” the agent responded.
“That won’t work,” said the boy. “You ain’t coming back.”
Into a Chicago barroom strode a man of magnificent proportions and a miraculous mustache. On a chain he was dragging a grown mountain lion. It snapped, snarled and spit until it realized it was inside four walls, then it crouched and leaped for the throat of its owner. The man drew back his fist and knocked the mountain lion head over tail where it slumped to the floor.
The man threw the chain down on top of the lion and stepped up to the bar. “Whiskey.” Just as the glass touched his lips a cobra sneaked out from the lapel of his hunting jacket and began to sway in front of the man’s eyes. He drew back a knuckle and thumped the cobra on the chin. It folded on the spot and crumpled against the man’s vest.
“Where you from?” asked the bartender.
“I used to be from Tombstone Arizona,” was the answer.
“Used to be?”
“Yeah, they ran me out of there and said I’d better not stop running until I found a town where nobody thought I was a sissy. Do you folks mind if I catch my breath a little bit before heading on for Montreal?
A Big Game Hunter from New York went to India and booked a guide for a tiger hunt. The guide pointed out a tree to him and hoisted him up, then said. “Now, this is real easy.. “I’ll tie a little goat down here and a tiger will come after it. The eyes of the tiger will glow like living coals. Just aim between the eyes and you’ll have a real trophy.”
On the morning morrow the guide turned up and the American was mauled from stem to stern. “How could you miss?” asked the guide.
“Well, last night 2 tigers came. I saw them a great ways off and from a distance each pair of eyes looked like a single eye and the two single eyes looked like a pair of eyes when I started shooting. I didn’t realize my mistake until they split up to start climbing up my tree.”
The mine boss was complaining about the horrible argument he had with his wife that morning when the noon whistle blew. He stared at it for a moment then turned to his friend. “Noon, and I’m still mad. Well, I’m going home anyway. If she hasn’t got lunch fixed I’m going to raise all kinds of of fits. And if she does have lunch ready I won’t eat a bite!”
The Texas real estate agent was trying to unload a large ranch onto a Yankee tycoon but the man was reluctant. “I’m worried about how deep the snow gets here,” he admitted.
“Snow?” the Texan growled, then thought better of it and called a rickety old friend down off the sidewalk. “Jimmy, has it ever snowed around here?”
Jimmy took his Resistol off and scratched at his head. “Snow? Snow? Snow?” Then he looked up with a bright smile. “Well no, I reckon not, but I did see it rain once.”
He was a stranger hiking through, he said, and they took him in. That evening for supper he came out on the cantilever porch with them and they began eating. Hogs rooted beneath them for the scraps. “I guess it’s true then,” he said sadly. “You really are feeding hogs right beneath the supper table.”
“What of it?” asked the old man.
“Unhealthy?” demanded the old man incredulously. “We’ve been feeding hogs like this for going on 33 years now, young feller, and I’ll have you know we haven’t lost even one to natural causes yet.”
If we build more windows and fewer walls people will line up for miles to break down the barriers that stand between us.
Why Try So Hard?
A sweet little old lady had missed three weeks of church. When she came back she was using a cane. All her friends crowded around her. "Oh, Phoo. Do you need a cane now?"
She smiled to belay their fears and said: "Oh, I really don't NEED a cane, but it sure is great for rapping people on the head to get their attention."
Any time you hear a chortled chuckle and the words, "My doctor won't let me do THAT." you can know of a surety you are listening to a damn fool. The thing to do is lean forward slightly and earnestly ask: "Does he also tell you how much to write the check out for?"
You Can learn a Lot
Two bums met on the street for the first time since they became homeless.
"I know just what you mean," said the second bum. "Come on, I want you to meet George."
"Not George too!" protested the first bum. He received a nod, and shook his head. "Of course, I always knew he was poor, but a bum?"
They walked on down and found George shivering on a snow-capped park bench. "George, George. I'm so sorry to find you here like this. When did it happen?"
"I don't know," George told him sadly. "I didn't even realize I belonged here until the Goodwill Store refused to take the clothes I was trying to donate."
"Do you think you will ever make it back into society?" asked the first bum.
George shook his head. "No. I almost got on welfare once. But that went down the tubes because they found out I had just borrowed some cheap gin for an aftershave when I came in for the first interview, and I didn't really drink."
Another bum popped up from the other side of the bench, flinging newspapers every which a way. "I don't know which one is more frustrating: being too broke to go in the store, or having enough money to find out just how little it will buy."
The first bum capped it all off for them. "Well, I gotta go.
I was walking by a construction site the other day and a dozen workers were lazing around, staring down into a deep dark hole with noxious fumes coming up. The project superintendent was kneeling over the hole, ear up to his cellular phone, listening intently, nodding his head. His eyes were up, staring off to the left as he nodded. I paused for a moment, watching the men at their break. Abruptly the superintendent turned around and shouted: "Good news boys, We're in the right place, even if we are doing the wrong thing."
As you read the rest of this page,
When I was working as a body guard with Garry who went into some really tough neighborhoods to collect his money, if things got tense he came up with a joke that usually got us out of it. His favorite way of starting the joke was, "Now, if you have ever heard this one before, don't stop me because I want to hear it again."
Garry made himself an irresistible speaker by grabbing your arm and holding on. One salesman made the mistake of asking him why he had decided not to purchase something, and Garry went on for hours, story after story, joke after joke, illustration after illustration about marketing in general and salesmanship in particular, and would not let that salesman leave there, no matter what. At 375 Garry is still a growing boy, and he even skipped lunch to continue telling the salesman a few tales. He had the salesman by the arm and would not let go. The more twisted up with agony that poor man's face got, the more urgently Garry delved into the situation at hand. "No, you said you wanted to hear my reasons, so I'm going to tell you. I'm the smartest man I know and if you will just listen, some of my wisdom will rub off on you."
The salesman looked so pathetic standing there that I had to get outside so I could get down and roll. A friend of ours came up then. I told him what Garry was doing. He went in, and came back out so HE could roll. He was just getting up when the salesman finally threw the door open and escaped. We wanted to explain to him that it wasn't his fault about Garry. As he rushed to his car we hailed him. "Hey, wait a minute, we want to tell you something."
The salesman took one look, recognized our faces, and threw his hat at us as he shouted: "I don't want to hear it!" He left us in the dust, rolling of course.
We got up and went back inside, only to find Garry was looking extremely glum. When we asked what the problem was he said: "I forgot the point I was trying to make and had to stop before I was through talking."
So, we can always ask Garry about the time he pleaded his own case before the Arkansas Supreme Court. That starts him talking about justice in the American way and he can go on for days with that one and other cases he was actually involved in.
Which reminds me of the time Garry and I were in court to testify against this woman who had supposedly robbed her sister of some jewelry we had bought from her. Garry had to identify the woman and the jewelry well enough to make that part of the case stick before the D.A. would charge her with something much worse. I hate courts, and tried my best to give excuse after excuse to get out of going. It didn't work. Over my doubting heart, I was there as a backup, just in case Garry wasn't convincing enough. "You'd never forget Virginia," the detectives had assured me.
It turned out, court wasn't so bad after all. There were only two choices of seats left when we came in and of course I chose to plop down beside the prettiest girl there. She was so demure, so sweet, so wonderful that I quite forgot about the court case as we whispered back and forth to get better acquainted. About the fifth time she snugged her dress down to her knees I began to wonder when OUR case was coming up and nudged Garry. "Tell me again what she looks like so I can point her out when they ask me."
Garry jerked his head past me, "That's her you're flirting with."
I turned and looked Virginia over again real good, then I leaned over and told Garry, "Helluva witness I'm going to make; I hope she gets off!"
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Yes, Virginia, Now there is a Santa Claus.
He lives on the World Wide Web. Not only is his pack open for distribution 24 hours a day, he has been cloned thousands of times, along with all his little reindeer.
I now have everything in this world
Queen Isabella was so disappointed in the financial returns of her investment that she came quite close to having Columbus beheaded. One can almost hear her screaming.. “Maybe you did find the treasures of two continents for me, but look at what the shipping costs me just to get a pot of gold!”
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Copyright © 2005 by
Earl H. Roberts