Read The Fine Print

A collection of missfired words
that never found their target.

Our one liner jokes
are on page two

The works listed on this page are yours to enjoy while on this site. They are copyrighted and enjoy the protection of international agreements. Please do not take them with you; PLEASE send your friends back to share your feelings.

****

You boys would lie your way out of heaven so fast you'd never know you'd been there!

***

Have you ever figured out why the pharmaceutical companies print all their big words in such tiny print?

***

Congress gets elected on promises made to the American voter. It gets re-elected on alibis.

**

A little modesty has made more marriages happen than all the little swim suits in the world.

You can only kick a dog nineteen times before he turns and bites back. 
But I'm a man -- and you can only try to kick me once.

***

Please vote to raise the speed limit
so all of us can drive as fast as you want to.

***

When the judge wanted to know why a divorce was wanted the man responded:  "She won't give up when she's wrong and I can't give in when I'm right."

===

91.2% of the television shows being watched in the United States today are about people who never watch television.

Have Pity On Me

I don't deserve this. Not one time have I shirked my duty. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week I'm on the job. I've stopped Cadillacs in their tracks. I've chased grown men down the street. I held the postman at bay for ten minutes one time, and you just show me the cat that got within ten miles of the front door without wearing his belly button out.

Do I get any medals for doing my job so well? Noooo. You don't see any medals pinned on my chest. Noooo.  Instead of helping me do my job like it should be done they lock me up inside a guard house so tight that I've worn my toenails plumb to the bone trying to get through the fence.

I'll tell you what. It's enough to make a grown dog cry.
Why if I had any sense at all I'd go see my lawyer and sue those two people in there for every box of dog biscuits they've got.

***

Do you remember that old joke where the old farmer makes a left turn and someone runs into his truck.  "Why, I've been turning here for the past 40 years," he says indignantly -- and everyone laughs.  Well,  219 of his grandchildren are now living in Mena Arkansas and it's no longer a laughing matter.

***

===

You can't solve a crime by imputation:  You can't say, "He couldn't have done this because ---"  You see, your common criminals succeed not from intelligent action, no -- not even from the application of minute traces of ratiocination. 

Your common criminals succeed from audacity.  

"For instance, there was this jewelry store that hired the best security company in the world to make their store burglar proof.  Less than a week after everything was settled some common criminals drove a stolen semi through the plate glass window, grabbed everything in sight, and were gone before the police arrived.

"That's the reason that in real life the police first decide who did the crime, and then try to make the case stick.  If that guy slips the noose, then the police only have one last recourse:

They call in their stool pigeons."

-----------

The End of the World
"Sticks," he grunted. "Sticks. In 30 years the earth will run out of sticks. We must find some way to preserve them or the whole infrastructure of the world as we know it will rot right out from under us. Without sticks we'll slide back to living in cold, drafty caves and the great out-of-doors will be closed to us forever." From a Warning out of Time by Lin Stone.

***

Isaac Asimov said there would come a day when the human race could not add or subtract, but I didn't believe it would ever happen in MY lifetime. But he was proven right.
I had one manuscript to mail. There was one 55 cent stamp on it already, and a 32 cent stamp on it. "See how much more I owe you," I said.
Just as the clerk weighed it the electricity went off.  She stood there for a long moment, looking up half way to the ceiling, her head bobbing. The postmaster came over and asked what the problem was.
"Well, he has a fifty five cent stamp and a thirty two cent stamp on this package, and the scale said he owes two dollars and fifty five cents and and I can't figure out how much more he owes."
The postmaster grabbed the battery operated calculator, but the batteries were dead. His forehead wrinkled. "Let's see how much he has on here first. How much is fifty five and thirty two?"
She stared at the ceiling for a moment then said, "Well, we know that fifty five and twenty three make seventy eight. How much is thirty two minus twenty three?
He didn't know either so they got a pen and paper out and after a long pause he said..  "Nine cents, does that sound about right?" She nodded and they did some more figuring to get the other stamp value into the equation. Finally he nodded and she looked relieved. "That will be thirty seven cents please."
One dime, one quarter, and two pennies, I counted out the money into her hand and turned to leave. "Sorry it took so long," she murmured. "But the computer is down with the electric off."

I nodded sympathetically. "I know. That's why I gave you the exact change."  

***

 

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A collection of missfired words
Try this Introductory Page on for size

"This Church Hayride you want me to go on,
Is it going to be held inside?"

Dear Johnny: How are you? Fine I hope.

As for us we are all okay. Your daddy fell down the well yesterday and couldn't get out. Sarah called the biggest wrecker she could find in the Yeller Pages to come pull him out and it was so big that the well caved in. Don't worry.  Your daddy was safe. He climbed up the wrecker and jumped for a rope that Billy dangled down at him. You know how little Billy always was.

He held the rope just long enough for your daddy to grab the edge, then he slid right past him into the well. He would have been lost forever but the wrecker driver came to about then and opened the door to scream for help. Billy's foot fit right inside his open mouth and he managed to kick his way back up to the rope your daddy was dangling down at him. Billy is safe now and the wrecker driver has been quiet too for the last three hours or so.

We may try to get him out tomorrow sometime unless he starts to threaten your daddy with a law suit again. You know how mad he gets when people try to boss him around.  We are in hopes that he can get the wrecker out by himself when we let him out  because Sarah cut her foot wide open with the chopping axe while trying to fix supper and we may have to get her to a doctor or something.

Well, nothing ever happens here so guess I will close for now.

Write soon.
Your Mama.

Well, you should have known you were wrong
just as soon as I agreed with you.

Whoever said Money Can't Buy Happiness
Didn't have more than s/he needed.

Just as soon as I popped that little pill in my mouth
I could feel the company's ad copy working.

===

Justin's First Apology, and Irenaeus' Against Heresy, as well as some of the writing of Tertullian and Cyprian. No additional souses cited.

===

This (book) is a work of fiction.  Any attempts to pretend you are one of the people or places herein will be vigorously prosecuted to the full extent of the law.  Lin Stone

---

The Life and Crimes of Clinton

***

---

The Brits are here.  Wave with all five fingers.

***

Grandpa was working under the sink when little Johnny said, "Grandpa, what is heaven like?"  Grandpa gazed off into the distance as if searching for the pearly gates then said, "Well, I'm hoping heaven is a place where ten minute jobs take less than ten years to finish and cost less than a thousand dollars."

***

I wouldn't dare underestimate your intelligence.  Sooner or later you would find out.

***

A few weeks ago I received a sales letter offering to replace my webmaster with a PROFESSIONAL.  That was funny enough, since I am me own webmastress.  Then I went to the web site of the seller and read:  "Please be patinet, this site will be up soon."

Back came I to the letter itself.  "I've been browsing through your site and I've noticed that it has a lot of potential to become a really great site. If you want to conceder changing webmasters, (I) can provide you with a professionally designed website that is perfect.

"Please conceder our offer and I hope to hear from you soon."

Weeks later, my volunteer webmaster replacement still has no company web site up.  S/He assures me it is because the above letter has been so effective that s/he is swamped with business.  My belief system is suspended until tangible proof is provided.

"Anyone can stop a bad habit in its tracks. 
The tough part is refusing to play it again." 
Sam Gowney, Jr.

=====================

Gene called about a wood stove advertised in The Trader.  "Now, the price is only $150, but this stove is like a piece of furniture for the living room."  So Gene rushed out to make the purchase and later reported back to his wife -- "We dickered over the price for a little bit and it finally got down to where he offered to pay me $25 to haul it off, but I still turned him down."

===

 The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work long hard hours for next to nothing. The very first hour on the job the smith began teaching him everything he knew. "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer."

  The apprentice did EXACTLY as he was told.

   Ten minutes later he was the only live blacksmith in the village.

As scriveners of the published sort our words can make a similar impact.  Let us be careful with the way we write, especially when called upon to explain one of the new company benefits:

Company Yacht
Now Available to employees

Our company now has a yacht available for the use of employees. This compact eleven foot long aluminum model has a single, three stroke, kinetic thrust engine. This can be upgraded to two, three, or even four kinetic thrust engines as easily as inviting your friends over for a picnic.
The ballast is three feet deep, four foot across and there are three sun-splashed decks for the crew and whatever complacent passengers you can find. It is superbly stable, wallows little, and, it holds rain water amazingly well. Why, this little Lincoln of the Lake even floats.
Reservations are required.

===============

Susan said: "I agreed to meet one more psychiatrist in the VA system. Six showed up at the meeting .  They sat there like frogs sitting on a log, staring at me without blinking. I stared right back and grinned at their foolishness. Finally the one I should have been meeting alone said, 'You don't like psychiatrists, do you?'
'No,' I replied quite honestly.
There was more silence and more staring to wear me down. Then another one asked why.
'Because witch doctors have proven to be nine times more effective than psychiatrists, and THEY only charge half as much per visit.' I smiled, but got nothing but scowls in return, so I added the rest. 'The kicker is that witch doctors only need 3 visits to work their magic while psychiatrists require a lifetime, and still end up with nothing but another drug addict.'"

Susan grimaces.  "I guess the truth hurts.  When I went down to the cafeteria they were all sitting there scowling and nursing chalky-looking placebos."

========

A class action lawsuit has been proposed against Santa Claus for favortism.  As everyone knows Santa ALWAYS gives the best presents to the rich kids.  That isn't fair and this lawsuit will demand an immediate reversal of that discrimination.  Let rich kids get what they deserve from now on, just like the rest of us.

* * *

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