Read The Fine Print
A collection of missfired words
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You boys would lie your way out of heaven so fast you'd never know you'd been there!
Have you ever figured out why the pharmaceutical companies print all their big words in such tiny print?
Congress gets elected on promises made to the American voter. It gets re-elected on alibis.
A little modesty has made more marriages happen than all the little swim suits in the world.
You can only kick a dog nineteen times before he turns and bites back.
Please vote to raise the speed limit
When the judge wanted to know why a divorce was wanted the man responded: "She won't give up when she's wrong and I can't give in when I'm right."
91.2% of the television shows being watched in the United States today are about people who never watch television.
Have Pity On Me
I don't deserve this. Not one time have I shirked my duty. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week I'm on the job. I've stopped Cadillacs in their tracks. I've chased grown men down the street. I held the postman at bay for ten minutes one time, and you just show me the cat that got within ten miles of the front door without wearing his belly button out.
Do you remember that old joke where the old farmer makes a left turn and someone runs into his truck. "Why, I've been turning here for the past 40 years," he says indignantly -- and everyone laughs. Well, 219 of his grandchildren are now living in Mena Arkansas and it's no longer a laughing matter.
You can't solve a crime by imputation: You can't say, "He couldn't have done this because ---" You see, your common criminals succeed not from intelligent action, no -- not even from the application of minute traces of ratiocination.
Your common criminals succeed from audacity.
"For instance, there was this jewelry store that hired the best security company in the world to make their store burglar proof. Less than a week after everything was settled some common criminals drove a stolen semi through the plate glass window, grabbed everything in sight, and were gone before the police arrived.
"That's the reason that in real life the police first decide who did the crime, and then try to make the case stick. If that guy slips the noose, then the police only have one last recourse:
They call in their stool pigeons."
The End of the World
Isaac Asimov said there would come a day when the human race could not add or subtract, but I didn't believe it would ever happen in MY lifetime.
But he was proven right.
I nodded sympathetically. "I know. That's why I gave you the exact change."
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Take Pride in America!
A collection of missfired words
Try this Introductory Page on for size
"This Church Hayride you want me to go on,
Is it going to be held inside?"
|Dear Johnny: How are you? Fine I hope.
As for us we are all okay. Your daddy fell down the well yesterday and couldn't get out. Sarah called the biggest wrecker she could find in the Yeller Pages to come pull him out and it was so big that the well caved in. Don't worry. Your daddy was safe. He climbed up the wrecker and jumped for a rope that Billy dangled down at him. You know how little Billy always was.
He held the rope just long enough for your daddy to grab the edge, then he slid right past him into the well. He would have been lost forever but the wrecker driver came to about then and opened the door to scream for help. Billy's foot fit right inside his open mouth and he managed to kick his way back up to the rope your daddy was dangling down at him. Billy is safe now and the wrecker driver has been quiet too for the last three hours or so.
We may try to get him out tomorrow sometime unless he starts to threaten your daddy with a law suit again. You know how mad he gets when people try to boss him around. We are in hopes that he can get the wrecker out by himself when we let him out because Sarah cut her foot wide open with the chopping axe while trying to fix supper and we may have to get her to a doctor or something.
Well, nothing ever happens here so guess I will close for now.
Well, you should have known you were wrong
just as soon as I agreed with you.
Whoever said Money Can't Buy Happiness
Didn't have more than s/he needed.
Just as soon as I popped that little pill in my mouth
Justin's First Apology, and Irenaeus' Against Heresy, as well as some of the writing of Tertullian and Cyprian. No additional souses cited.
This (book) is a work of fiction. Any attempts to pretend you are one of the people or places herein will be vigorously prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Lin Stone
The Life and Crimes of Clinton
The Brits are here. Wave with all five fingers.
Grandpa was working under the sink when little Johnny said, "Grandpa, what is heaven like?" Grandpa gazed off into the distance as if searching for the pearly gates then said, "Well, I'm hoping heaven is a place where ten minute jobs take less than ten years to finish and cost less than a thousand dollars."
I wouldn't dare underestimate your intelligence. Sooner or later you would find out.
A few weeks ago I received a sales letter offering to replace my webmaster with a PROFESSIONAL. That was funny enough, since I am me own webmastress. Then I went to the web site of the seller and read: "Please be patinet, this site will be up soon."
Back came I to the letter itself. "I've been browsing through your site and I've noticed that it has a lot of potential to become a really great site. If you want to conceder changing webmasters, (I) can provide you with a professionally designed website that is perfect.
Weeks later, my volunteer webmaster replacement still has no company web site up. S/He assures me it is because the above letter has been so effective that s/he is swamped with business. My belief system is suspended until tangible proof is provided.
Gene called about a wood stove advertised in The Trader. "Now, the price is only $150, but this stove is like a piece of furniture for the living room." So Gene rushed out to make the purchase and later reported back to his wife -- "We dickered over the price for a little bit and it finally got down to where he offered to pay me $25 to haul it off, but I still turned him down."
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work long hard hours for next to nothing. The very first hour on the job the smith began teaching him everything he knew. "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer."
The apprentice did EXACTLY as he was told.
Ten minutes later he was the only live blacksmith in the village.
As scriveners of the published sort our words can make a similar impact. Let us be careful with the way we write, especially when called upon to explain one of the new company benefits:
Our company now has a yacht available for the use of employees. This compact eleven foot long aluminum model has a single, three stroke, kinetic thrust engine. This can be upgraded to two, three, or even four kinetic thrust engines as easily as inviting your friends over for a picnic.
Susan said: "I agreed to meet one more
psychiatrist in the VA system. Six showed up at the meeting . They sat there like frogs sitting on a log, staring at me without blinking. I stared right back and grinned at their foolishness. Finally the one I should have been meeting alone said, 'You don't like psychiatrists, do you?'
Susan grimaces. "I guess the truth hurts. When I went down to the cafeteria they were all sitting there scowling and nursing chalky-looking placebos."
A class action lawsuit has been proposed against Santa Claus for favortism. As everyone knows Santa ALWAYS gives the best presents to the rich kids. That isn't fair and this lawsuit will demand an immediate reversal of that discrimination. Let rich kids get what they deserve from now on, just like the rest of us.
* * *
The works listed on this page are yours to enjoy while on this site. They are copyrighted and enjoy the protection of international agreements. Please do not take them with you; PLEASE send your friends back to share your feelings.
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