Humpty Dumpty was a Happy young egg that followed Peter Pan off to see the world

And, Robin Hood

By Lin Stone

George Smiff in his wife's gossamer thin nightgown comes gliding into the living room where the little girl’s birthday party is applying and George has his lawn torch held high and his eyes are raised to heaven and radiant beams of sweat makes his face translucent, glistening like an angel’s.  George holds his arm out just a little bit farther and just as soon as he has milked that pose for all it’s worth he cuts his gaze down to the birthday girl and says, “Do I have any volunteers to pick up all the trash and carry it out?” As soon as some of the little kids scoot off to do his bidding,  George drifts over like a snowflake and plumps down beside the birthday girl. 

He picks up a little candy bar and opens it.  He licks his chops.   “I used to eat candy bars like this.  My mother told me that if I didn’t quit, right then, that someday I would be big and, fat.  Well, I didn’t want to get so big and fat that I couldn’t fly any more, so I quit.

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Well, you know what I mean, I quit eating candy bars in front of my mother.  Way back then I lived by the theory that what Mama didn’t know couldn’t hurt me.”  George pauses to gaze down meaningfully at his paunch.  He sighs.  “Once you get as big as I am, there’s no going back, your flying days are over.  The suit doesn’t fit and the wings don’t work.  I’ll tell you, it’s frustrating.

"You’re not going to eat any more of those little candy bars, are you.  No?  Good, I’m glad you’re listening to me.  Here, we’ll put them in my pocket so nobody can see them.

Now, where was I?  Oh yes, I was about to tell you the story of that great day in history when Humpty Dumpty met Robin Hood.

The first scene opens like this.. Humpty Dumpty has ran off from home again because Peter had told him how much fun it was to fight Pirates.  On the way to Never-Never Land Peter had talked Humpty into climbing up onto this big, tall brick wall then ran off and left him because he was crying so much.  Humpty couldn’t quit crying because he wished with all his heart that he hadn’t listened to Peter.  “If I hadn’t listened to Peter, I could go home now,” he said.

Have any of you ever listened to somebody like Peter and got off somewhere that you realize you shouldn’t oughta been?  That’s the reason I gave all of you cell phones with GPS on the back.  If you ever get yourself stuck on a wall somewhere, just call me with your coordinates and I’ll come chase Peter off with a broom stick.

You know, Peter used to be my boy friend.  I loved him at first, but now I hate him because he dumped me just like he dumped Humpty Dumpty up there on the wall.  And how are we going to get you down off that wall if I can’t fly any more?

Well, that’s where Robin Hood comes in.

Robin Hood has a heart as big as Peter Pan’s and he dresses up in these tight little jeans, Nottenham Green Jeans he calls them.  So here’s Humpty Dumpty stuck up there on the wall and Peter’s gone off chasing pirates somewhere and here comes that sly fox named Robin Hood. He's all decked out in his little Nottenham Green Jeans, and he sees Humpty Dumpty stranded up there on the wall and – what do you think he does?

Right, Once a fox, always a fox! Robin Hood licks his chops as he looks up at Humpty Dumpty and he sings out, “Jump. Jump. JUMP!” And of course – are you surrrre you haven’t been listening to someone like Peter Pan that’s leading you astray?  You’ve had another birthday now and suddenly there are going to be a lot of Peters in this world that will single you out, wanting to lead you just a tiny, little bit astray.  That could be you up there, you know?  instead of Humpty Dumpty.

Of course Humpty Dumpty starts crying again because he’s lonely and he’s scared and here’s this perfect stranger in silly green jeans jeering at him and telling him to jump.  Are you going to jump? Humpty Dumpty was too scared to jump.  You’d be scared to jump too if Peter Pan had left you stranded on a wall that big and high.  The Peter Pan’s of this world will leave you stranded in a heartbeat; Of course it’s true, would Tinkerbell lie to you?

So, Oh, Yes. — and Humpty Dumpty was stranded on that big, tall wall with Robin Hood down at the bottom, licking his chops.  Do you remember me telling you about Samuel, the Lamanite that was stuck on a big city wall just like the one Humpty Dumpty was stranded on?  People started shooting arrows at Samuel and that’s what Robin Hood did too.  He nocked an arrow to his bow and he starts shooting arrows at Humpty Dumpty.  Humpty Dumpty can’t even count how many arrows Robin is shooting at him.  They’re getting closer and closer, and Humpty Dumpty is scooting away from them because he knows that if he’s ever hit once, his armor is gone, shot to pieces.  I’ll tell you just like it really is, a lot of really good eggs have broken up when their body armor cracks.  And Robin Hood is shouting at Humpty Dumpty now.  “Jump, Jump, JUMP!”

then he licks his chops one more time
and he tells this big, fat lie. 
“Jump, and I’ll catch you!”

Are YOU going to jump, if you were Humpty Dumpty?  I have to ask you this because this is the third time one of the Peters in this world called you out and you ran off from home.  “Oh, where is my little Humpty Dumpty now?” your poor mother is calling, crying because she loves you so much.  “I had you all safe and sound but you listened to Peter Pan, and oh, where is my little Humpty Dumpty now?”

Well, WE know where Humpty Dumpty is now, don’t we?  YES!  He’s up there on the big tall wall and this funny looking guy in silly looking green jeans is yelling at him to make him jump.  “Ill catch you,” he says.  But you can’t trust anybody that wears silly looking jeans like he’s got on, no, not even if he has painted them green and torn some pretty little holes in them.

But Humpty Dumpty did listen.  Oh, I tell you this story is so sad.  Humpty Dumpty listened to Robin Hood. He jumped and Robin Hood backed up so he could watch Humpty Dumpty fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.  Hey, that’s just how it ended, would Tinkerbell lie to you?    No, sir, not while she’s holding a lawn torch for Robin Hood she wouldn’t.

The End!

The Author.. Lin Stone is a lot like George Smiff in
this story; he’s always left holding the torch for
somebody or some mighty cause with clay feet. 
“Oh, if I had just listened to my mother when I
was young.  I wouldn’t be this big mess if I had
listened to my mother and ate my green vegetables like she said.”

Do you have another little candy bar tucked away somewhere?

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